


Self Destructive

by yellowpaintpots



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: (but the comfort is sex and weed and ryan being sweet), (ill probably add more tags later but im so fucking tired), Biting, Drug Use, Hickeys, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marking, Partying, Protected Sex, Smoking, Strangers to Lovers, Top Ryan, alcohol use, bottom shane, hooking-up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:09:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23973550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yellowpaintpots/pseuds/yellowpaintpots
Summary: 'Ryan seems to pause to properly look at Shane; he takes in the red, glassy look of his eyes and the flush of his cheeks and the way Shane’s gaze is now locked onto the joint. He holds it out towards him. “You look like you need it.”'AKA: Shane is coping with his issues in unhealthy ways and Ryan is a stranger he met at a party who is happy to help him relax.
Relationships: Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej
Comments: 18
Kudos: 133





	Self Destructive

**Author's Note:**

> Several things I want to say before I start.
> 
> One: It's currently 12:39am as I finish and post this. I'm extremely tired and wanted to post this before I slept. If there are mistakes I'm sorry, I'm too tired to care.
> 
> Two: This is the longest one shot I've ever written. It might suck a little bit. Again, too tired to proof read it. I really liked writing this one.
> 
> Three: Be prepared for weed, alcohol, and spicy times while under the influence. Both parties want to fuck! But if this isn't your cup of tea... Maybe don't read it. I don't know.
> 
> Four: PLEASE tell me what you think about this because I personally love it and I crave validation more than anything in the world.

The music was loud enough to send a rumble through the walls and floors of the house – Some loud earache of a song that Shane doesn’t care enough to try and name. He rubs the tears out of his eyes, the skin around it sore and red from crying. He doesn’t remember how he got to the party in the first place, doesn’t even know whose house it is, but he isn’t exactly in the mind space to care much.

He pushes through groups of already drunk people to try and find where the alcohol even is. He finds it in the kitchen being watched over by some guy who probably owns the place. Shane doesn’t really care; he just grabs a glass and fills it with whatever he can get his hands on. He makes eye contact with the guy who takes one look at him and nods not asking questions.

Shane’s grateful for that.

He makes his way from the kitchen out the back door to the yard. There’s a pool (Definitely a safety hazard considering the alcohol, but Shane decides he doesn’t really care), and a small crowd of people chilling on the grass near the back fence, smoking and drinking and talking between themselves. Shane considers going up to them, maybe smoking with them, when his eyes catch on one of the guys in the circle.

He’s hot. That’s the first thing Shane thinks – although maybe that’s just the alcohol (Which he realizes he drank a lot quicker than he planned to, which he notices when he goes to take a sip and realizes that his once full glass is now empty). He’s leaning back against the fence with a bottle of beer in one hand and a joint in the other, a soft red flush on his cheeks and a smirk on his lips.

The stranger’s eyes meet Shane’s just as he goes to take a drag of the joint between his fingers. Shane sees the stranger look him over before he says something to the group. Shane’s heart speeds up when the guy stands and walks over to him.

“I think my night just went from good to great,” The guy says with a grin when he reaches Shane.

He’s shorter than Shane (Which isn’t hard to be), but Shane’s eyes are quick to lock onto his arms. His tipsy brain immediately shifts to thinking of some not-so-innocent thoughts. It must show on his face because the guy laughs.

“My eyes are up here, big guy.”

Shane’s face immediately feels warmer. “Sorry,” He mumbles before going to take a sip of his drink (Which is still empty, because glasses don’t refill themselves, you idiot). He frowns at the glass and the guy chuckles again.

“Don’t worry, baby. You’re not the first to react like that,” The stranger shrugs. “I’m Ryan.”

“Shane.”

Ryan seems to pause to properly look at Shane; he takes in the red, glassy look of his eyes and the flush of his cheeks and the way Shane’s gaze is now locked onto the joint. He holds it out towards him. “You look like you need it.”

Shane doesn’t need telling twice. He takes the joint between his fingers and holds it up to his lips, breathing in and hoping that it’ll work quickly. He’s done with feeling for the night. He hands it back as he breathes out and Ryan smiles up at him. “Thanks.”

Ryan hooks his arm around Shane’s waist and pulls him off towards one of the outdoor seating areas. Shane’s pushed down onto the seat and Ryan’s hand brushes against his face. “I’ll go get you another drink, baby. You just relax. I’ll be back in a minute.”

Shane nods and watches Ryan take his empty glass and head back into the house with a sway in his hips. Shane leans back into the seat and sighs, feeling the light buzz of the alcohol and the slight fog in his head. Ryan returns just as quickly as he said he would with two glasses of something colourful and a couple of beers tucked under his arm. He sets it all down onto the table in front of Shane before settling himself on the empty spot beside him.

Shane thinks that’s all, but a started yelp escapes his lips as Ryan pulls him onto his lap. Ryan gives a smug grin before raising the joint again.

“Want some more?”

Shane nods and expects Ryan to just hand it over, but of course, this man is full of surprises as he leans in and Shane feels himself melt when there are lips warm against his own and smoke in his mouth. Ryan pulls away when he’s done with a smug smile on his face.

“Oh,” Shane finally whispers as he exhales.

“Not what you expected?” Ryan asks.

Shane shakes his head as Ryan finishes the joint, stubbing it out in an ashtray near their drinks. He picks up one of the glasses and hands it to Shane, who takes it and sips. It’s fruity and sweet on his tongue and from that sip alone he can tell this one’s stronger than the last.

“So, baby,” Ryan hums. He rests his hand on Shane’s thigh as Shane continues to drink. “Do you have a story to tell?”

“A story?” Shane asks between sips. He knows what Ryan’s asking.

Ryan’s thumb traces gentle circles into Shane’s inner thigh. “You’re here to escape something, aren’t you?” His hand works up and he locks eyes with Shane with an unspoken look of _‘Stop me,’_. Shane doesn’t.

“Who isn’t,” Shane sighs with a shrug, legs shifting slightly in response to the wandering hand before he can really think about it.

Ryan seems to get the hint that Shane isn’t there to vent. He just nods; he understands. He pulls away his hand to grab his glass and chuckles when Shane whines, a low, needy noise that escapes his throat against his will. Ryan downs his drink and replaces his hand back to its previous spot. Shane looks away, eyes focusing on anything but the man holding him.

“No need to get all shy on me, baby,” Ryan whispers into his ear. Shane shivers and feels his face darken further. He bites the inside of his cheek to suppress another noise when he feels Ryan’s lips on his neck. He shifts in Ryan’s lap, suddenly very aware of a few things.

One; they’re still outside. The music is still playing, people dancing, drinking, and smoking, and even though nobody is looking at them, Shane’s face burns with something that isn’t embarrassment but sure feels close to it.

Two; he’s extremely, uncomfortably hard. It’s obvious in the way he shifts and tries to cross his legs (Which does not help at all, unsurprisingly), and the way he keeps his eyes down. It’s also made even more obvious when Ryan pulls away from his neck to look down, lips turning up in a proud smirk.

“Not to brag…” Ryan says quietly, hand moving from Shane’s inner thigh to his hip. “But I’ve been told I’m good at helping people forget their problems.”

“Oh yeah?” Is all Shane can bring himself to reply with, voice breathy and shaky.

“Mhh. And I know where we can find ourselves a room if you’re interested.”

Shane takes less than a second to consider it. He nods, “Please.”

Ryan pulls Shane up and through the kitchen doors, nodding at the guy in the kitchen before heading up the stairs and down a hallway. Shane looks around at the various closed and open doors.

“You seem to know the house well,” Shane says when Ryan pulls him into a back bedroom and closes the door.

“I know the owner.”

“Friends?” Shane asks.

Ryan just smirks. “Not quite.”

Shane hears a soft click as Ryan locks the door behind them. His legs suddenly feel weak (He’s not sure if that’s the drinks, the smoking or the sudden attack of nerves) and Ryan seems to pick up on it.

“Oh, baby. You look like a deer caught in the headlights,” He jokes as he steps closer, slowly, almost like he’s worried Shane will bolt. Shane stays still and feels his breath stutter as Ryan steps into his space. His hands press warm against Shane’s chest and he can probably how Shane’s nervous heart jumps. “What do you need from me?”

The softness of Ryan’s tone catches Shane off guard. “I- Uh… I don’t know,” He replies simply. Ryan nods.

“Do you trust me to take care of you?”

Shane nods, not trusting his own voice.

Ryan smiles and licks his lips. He gently pushes Shane back until Shane’s calves hit the edge of the bed and he falls back, pulling Ryan down with him. Ryan’s arms wrap around Shane’s body and Shane feels himself get lifted from the mattress and shifted backward so he’s resting on the pillows. Ryan pushes Shane’s legs apart and settles between them as he gets to work on unbuttoning Shane’s shirt.

“D’you do this often?” Shane asks, not sure how else to react to the silence.

Ryan pushes the shirt off Shane’s shoulders and leans down to pepper kisses down Shane’s chest. “Do what?” He hums, breath hot against Shane’s skin. Shane shivers and twitches at the touches. They’re soft, delicate, and Ryan’s treating Shane like he’s covered in _‘Fragile’_ warning signs. Maybe he is.

“Hooking up with strangers at parties.”

“Mmh. That,” Ryan says. He sits up just as his kisses reach halfway down. “Yeah, I guess.”

Shane doesn’t respond. His eyes flutter shut as Ryan leans back down again, nipping and sucking faint marks into the pale, exposed skin of Shane’s hips. Shane bucks upwards when Ryan palms him through the front of his pants.

“Limits?” Ryan asks, looking up from where his head hovers over the bulge in Shane’s pants.

“None,” Shane says with a shake of his head. “Just need to stop thinking.”

“I can do that,” Ryan nods. His fingers hook underneath the waistband of Shane’s pants and with a bit of tugging, he gets them off and added to the pile on the floor. Ryan grins when he sees the front of Shane’s boxers, wet with pre and bulge twitching beneath the fabric.

He licks his lips and looks up at Shane with a flash of something dark in his eyes. Shane bites his lip and watches with shaky breaths as Ryan pulls down the thin fabric of his boxers to reveal his cock. Shane whimpers quietly, noises muffled by his hand as he watches Ryan lean further down. Ryan kisses down the faint trail of hair before licking a stripe up the underside of Shane’s length. Shane’s hips rock up again.

Ryan pulls back again and Shane whimpers as his hips follow, desperately trying to feel more of anything. Ryan’s hand wraps around his cock and it sends a jolt through his body when Ryan lazily starts to move his hand.

“I’d love to make you come just from this,” Ryan says as his other hand palms at his own erection through his jeans. “But _damn_ , baby. I’m desperate to fuck you.”

“Do it then,” Shane says through a moan. He parts his legs further as an invitation and he watches Ryan’s look turn from interested to downright hungry.

“Oh, fuck,” Ryan murmurs and bites hard on his lower lip. Shane can almost see Ryan’s head spinning, can practically see the error message pop up over his face. Ryan fumbles in the back pockets of his jeans and curses quietly under his breath when he finds them empty. He reaches over to the nightstand next to the bed with the confidence of a man who knows what the contents of the stand are. “Fucker better still have- Aha!”

He pulls back again with a silver wrapper and a bottle. Shane doesn’t ask questions about why Ryan knew the room so well (It doesn’t take a genius to guess).

Ryan begins to pull his shirt over his head and Shane almost offers to help him undress but his words die on his tongue when his eyes catch Ryan’s body. Ryan seems to sense the eyes on him and pauses to look down at Shane with a cocky grin on his lips.

“Enjoying the view?” He asks.

Shane’s giddy mind decides that his new ideal type is cocky, confident men with nice arms. Or maybe his type was just Ryan.

“That’s cute,” Ryan chuckles, and Shane’s face burns at the realization that he spoke out loud. He covers his face with his hands and groans quietly to himself and Ryan stops tugging at his belt to grab hold of Shane’s wrists and pull them away from his face. He holds them loosely down to the bed and raises his eyebrow. “Don’t hide.”

Shane’s eyes widen and he nods. “Y-Yeah, yeah. Sorry.”

“Oh, baby…” Ryan hovers over Shane, eyes flickering over Shane’s features. “Do you like that? Being told what to do?”

“…Yeah,” Shane admits quietly, voice so soft that Ryan barely hears it. He doesn’t need to though, the darkening of Shane’s cheeks and the way his eyes drift to a spot on the ceiling is enough to confirm it.

“I’ll remember that,” Ryan chuckles. He quickly works himself out of his jeans and boxers, finally free of the tight fabric that had him trapped. He leans back, one hand resting on the bed behind him to keep himself up and the other around his cock, movements slow and teasing He cracks his eyes open and meets Shane’s gaze, the other man sitting up on his elbows and staring at the show he’s being given.

“Thought you were desperate to fuck me,” Shane reminds him. “Cause now it just seems like you’re trying to tease me.”

“Maybe I am,” Ryan says with a wink as Shane pouts.

“Don’t make me beg,” Shane whines and sits up, shuffling closer to Ryan on his knees. One of Ryan’s hands cups Shane’s jaw, the other sliding around his waist and moving downwards towards his ass, pulling him in closer and moaning when their cocks rub against each other.

“ _Beg,_ ” Ryan says, low and rough, corner of his mouth turned up in a smirk at the way Shane’s eyes light up.

Shane whimpers in protest anyway, despite the look in his eyes giving him away. “Ryan-“

“Try again.”

Ryan watches a flicker of confusion cross Shane’s face before realization hits. He licks his lips and exhales a shaky breath before looking up at Ryan with a look that Ryan decides should be illegal (Or only ever aimed at him).

“Please, sir?” Shane whispers, a small hint of uncertainty in his voice. “I need it- I need _you_. Please? You could give me anything right now and I’d accept it, I- I just need something. _Anything_.”

Maybe it’s the desperate edge in Shane’s tone. Maybe it’s the way his eyes gloss over with tears. Maybe it’s the warm touch of Shane’s hand to Ryan’s cock. Ryan isn’t sure, and he also doesn’t care. Any thoughts of continuing to tease Shane immediately burn up and he nods.

“Of course, baby,” He agrees. He notes the way Shane’s body melts with relief against his own. He’s almost like putty in Ryan’s hands as Ryan lays him back down and presses a kiss to the pulse point just below his ear. He ghosts another soft kiss over Shane’s cheekbone.

“You still want this?” He asks, just to be sure.

“ ** _Please_** ,” Is all that Shane can choke out. Ryan’s hand lingers on Shane’s face for another few seconds, eyes searching Shane’s expression for any hint of regret. There is none.

Ryan finally nods and pulls back enough to prepare. Shane’s eyes close when he hears the lube bottle popping open. He feels Ryan’s hand run up his inner thigh and the other press cool fingers against his entrance. A low noise somewhere between a moan and a sigh slips from his lips as he feels two fingers slide into him, moving slow and careful as Ryan watches him. Ryan’s fingers scissor apart and Shane’s hips jerk up in response. Ryan licks his lips.

“One more, or are you ready?” Ryan asks.

Shane ignores the warmth in his stomach at how careful Ryan’s being. He instead just nods and mumbles a quiet, “Ready.”

Ryan’s fingers are removed, and Shane wants to complain at the loss, but his whine gets caught in his throat when he feels hands steady on his hips and the head of Ryan’s cock pressing into him. He bites down on the inside of his cheek to hold back a moan as he looks up at Ryan.

Ryan’s hair has fallen into his face and he looks down at Shane with a look that makes Shane feel warm. Ryan’s grip tightens on Shane’s hips, fingers digging into his skin in a way that Shane hopes leaves bruises. His thoughts are interrupted by the sudden movement of Ryan thrusting in and Shane’s mouth opens, a jumbles mess of words falling out.

“Good?” Ryan asks, and there’s that stupid cocky grin again. Shane’s only response is to wrap his legs around Ryan, and that’s all that Ryan needs to know.

It’s nothing at all like Shane had imagined when they first moved up to the room. Sure, Ryan’s got a roughness to his actions that Shane expected (And very much appreciates), but there’s a soft edge to it in the way that Ryan looks at him or the way he murmurs praise.

Shane feels warm all over. The red blush on his face has spread down to his neck, shoulders, and chest. There’s a thin layer of sweat slowly forming over his skin and Ryan’s hold on his hips is absolutely going to leave a mark, Shane’s sure of it.

Shane feels a burst of pleasure when Ryan shifts his position, lifting Shane’s hips up a little more. He moans loud and tangles his fingers into his hair, the other hand moving down to wrap around his cock. Ryan makes sure to hit that same spot as much as he can as he watches Shane fall apart under him.

“Nngh- Not gonna last ‘f you- if you keep this up,” Shane warns through moans.

Ryan seems to take that as a challenge, the bastard.

Shane can feel the orgasm building up inside him and his legs feel weak, still wrapped around Ryan’s hips. Ryan’s movements stutter and Shane shivers at the low growl that escapes Ryan’s throat.

“Baby, you close?” Ryan pants, eyes dark. “I wanna watch you come.”

Shane nods, desperate, and quickens the speed of the hand around his cock.

It doesn’t really take much before Shane’s arching up into his hand. His mind blanks as he comes over his chest with a moan and a whimper of Ryan’s name. Ryan’s quick to follow – The sight alone enough to push him over the edge.

They stay silent for a minute or so afterward. Ryan holds himself over Shane, hand either side of Shane’s body on the bed. He smiles when Shane’s eyes focus again, looking up with a dazed smile.

“You ok, big guy?” Ryan asks.

“Y-Yeah. Messy though,” Shane responds, looking down at the mess on his chest.

Ryan motions towards a door opposite them. “Bathroom over there.”

Shane sits up and swings his legs over the side of the bed. He tries to stand up and stumbles. Ryan is quick to get up and hold him steady.

“’s your fault,” Shane whines, but the smile on his face shows he isn’t serious.

The two clean up and change, and it’s when they’re back on the bed putting their shirts on that everything catches back up with Shane. He can still hear the dull thudding of the music from the party on the floor below and it reminds him of the heavy weight of all the feelings he’d been trying to run from.

He tenses up when he feels a hand on his back but relaxes when he turns to see Ryan’s worried face. Ryan studies his face for a second before pulling Shane into a hug. Shane doesn’t know he’s crying until a choked sob escapes him.

It’s there as he’s wrapped up in Ryan’s arms that Shane allows himself to break.

~~~

The rest of the party passes in a blur. Shane doesn’t remember much after that point. He knows that Ryan held him for a while until he settled, and then wiped his face with a damp hand towel from the bathroom. He knows they went back downstairs together, drank some more, and Ryan lit up another joint.

But after that? Shane doesn’t know.

He wakes up in his own bed. Or halfway in his own bed, partially hanging off it. He groans as sunlight hits his eyes and rolls over to check his phone (Which thankfully is on his nightstand).

There’s a new text from a number he doesn’t recognize, but his chest flutters when he opens it.

_‘Hope you wake up feeling better, baby’_

~~~

There was another party at the same house about a week later. Shane hadn’t been planning on going. He’d been ready to just buy a bunch of alcohol and lock himself inside, but then Ryan had texted him that he was showing up ( _‘Just in case you decided to go’_ ) and Shane’s original plans crumbled.

He wasn’t sure what he expected to happen. What they’d done was a one-time thing, but Shane couldn’t shake off the memories of Ryan’s hands on his body and how he’d been able to distract himself from everything that was wrong. Shane runs the tip of his finger over the bruises on his hips and smiles.

The walk down to the house the party is being held at doesn’t take long and Shane appreciates the walk and the way the warm summer evening air messes with his hair. He finds Ryan out back again with the same group as last time. He’s already at least a little drunk (If the rosiness of his cheeks is anything to go by) and his eyes light up when he sees Shane.

Ryan says something to one of the others in the group and stands up, hurrying over to Shane with a bright smile. He doesn’t give Shane much time to say hello, just grabs his hand and pulls him over to the group. Shane finds himself back in Ryan’s lap like before and a cold glass is pressed into his hands before he even has to ask.

“Who’s the new boy?” One of the people in the group asks as Shane drinks.

Ryan squeezes Shane’s waist. “This is Shane.”

“Oh, that guy you were talking about?” The stranger asks.

Ryan nods.

“How long’s this one gonna last?” Someone else chuckles behind the rim of a bottle.

Shane tenses up in Ryan’s lap. He should’ve seen it coming, really. The thought that he was at all a ‘special’ hook-up was stupid and probably influenced by his emotional state and how much he’d drank last week. He doesn’t see how Ryan glares at the second person, but he does hear the angry hiss of, “Shut up, TJ.”

The group finally introduces themselves. The first who’d spoken introduces himself as Mark. The second confirms his name as TJ. The other two, who for the most part had stayed quiet, introduced themselves as Devon and Jen.

The group doesn’t seem much for talking, Shane realizes. Or maybe it’s the presence of a new face that’s thrown them all off. Or maybe it’s the fact that everyone looks like they want to say something – Their eyes keep drifting over to Shane and they look like they’re going to speak, but then they look at Ryan and the words die on their tongue.

Shane figures that hat they’re thinking isn’t good if that’s how they’re reacting. He downs his drink. If he gets drunk, he won’t care.

“So, uh… Shane,” One of them finally speaks up. _‘Jen’_ , Shane’s buzzing mind supplies as he steals Ryan’s drink out of his hands. “I’ve never seen you at any of the parties we go to.”

Shane shrugs. “Last week was my first party since college.”

“What made you come here then?” Mark asks.

Shane stares down into his drink and decides that silence is probably the best option. Dumping all his baggage onto a group of strangers wasn’t exactly something he enjoyed doing.

He opts to just shrug again. “Running from things I don’t feel like confronting.”

It’s apparently a valid answer. Nobody pushes to know more. He’s grateful for that, and even more grateful when Mark disappears into the house and reappears with refilled glasses and bottles. He drinks this one slower and listens to the group talk between themselves. Or he at least tried to – Ryan’s lips have found their way to his neck and shoulder and he finds it a lot easier to focus on that.

He tries to ignore how TJ keeps looking at him with an expression Shane can’t seem to read. He figures that there are some details he isn’t aware of but the buzz of the alcohol in his system stops him from really pressing for anything.

Ryan’s kisses travel up closer to his ear. “Want something a bit more private, baby?” He whispers.

Shane nods and stands up, immediately being hit with a wave of light-headedness and nearly falling back down again. Jen and Ryan both jump up to steady him and he laughs.

“Standing up that fast- Terrible idea,” He grins. He earns a laugh from Jen, Devon, and Mark.

Ryan wraps an arm around Shane’s waist and the two walk off into the house. They don’t even make it into the room this time – The hallway is empty, and Ryan is impatient as he backs Shane against the wall and tugs him down into a kiss. Shane moans muffled against Ryan’s lips as he kisses back. One of Ryan’s legs pushes between Shane’s thighs.

“Probably shouldn’t do anything out here,” Shane speaks against Ryan’s lips when he feels Ryan begin to unbutton his shirt.

“Care enough to move?” Ryan asks, trailing kisses along Shane’s jaw.

“Not really.”

Shane feels Ryan smirk against his skin. He nips at Shane’s collarbone and Shane bites his lip to keep himself quiet.

“Thoughts on leaving marks?”

Shane groans and tugs at his shirt to reveal more skin. “Fuck, please.”

And then he feels teeth bite hard into the sensitive skin of his neck and a bolt of pleasure shoots down his spine and he rocks his hips against Ryan. Ryan bites and sucks dark, needy marks all over Shane’s neck and collar, and Shane writhes and whimpers with every mark.

“Baby,” Ryan purrs, looking up at him with dark, hungry eyes, and Shane feels his legs go weak. “Let me take care of you?”

Shane licks his lips and nods, just before Ryan pushes him back into the bedroom.

~~~

Shane’s seat in the passenger seat of Ryan’s car. It’s been a month of parties and sex and getting so drunk and high he forgets most things by the morning. It’s been a month of seeking Ryan out to comfort him on nights he can’t stop his brain from screaming. He looks out of the window at the trees and cars they pass.

“Where are we going?” Shane finally asks. He hadn’t asked before they set off, trusting Ryan to handle things. He’d been too tired to really care about the destination.

“Somewhere I think you’ll like,” Ryan answers. Vague, Shane thinks, but he doesn’t ask for more details.

They get another ten minutes into the drive when Shane starts to zone out. He feels the heavy weight of everything he’s been running from on his shoulders and he shifts uncomfortably in his seat. He stares at the road ahead, eyes flickering tiredly between other cars and the tall trees.

“What if we just crashed the car,” Shane mutters softly into his palm as he glares at the setting sun. “It’d solve a lot of my issues.”

Ryan’s grip on the steering wheel tightens and his eyebrow furrows. “Let’s not do that, big guy.”

Shane doesn’t respond. He hopes they get to their destination soon.

They do.

Ryan pulls off onto a dirt road and follows it until they reach the side of a lake. It’s beautiful. The water shimmers and takes on a pink-orange color under the reflection of the sunset colored sky. Ryan parks the car near the trees and gets out. He helps Shane out of the car before moving to grab things from the back seat.

A bag and a blanket, Shane realizes.

Ryan lays the blanket on the ground beside the lake. He sits down and pats the spot next to him. Shane sits.

Ryan digs around in the bag and pulls out a bottle of wine with a grin. “Aha!” He shuffles through the bag some more and pulls out a tin and a lighter.

Shane raises his eyebrow but smiles anyway. “This was your plan?”

“Getting drunk and high with a pretty view? Figured it’d be a fun change of scenery,” Ryan shrugged.

“And… Were you planning on anything else happening?”

Ryan grins as he pops the top of the bottle off. “Would you _like_ something else to happen, baby?”

Shane takes the tin and lighter from Ryan’s lap and begins to roll a joint. “We’ll see,” He hums, although they both know what’ll happen.

It’s a nice night. Shane watches the smoke curl and dance in the slowly cooling air as he exhales. It looks good in the light of the sunset. Ryan passes him the bottle and he drinks. Wine isn’t his usual choice of drink but this one’s sweet and tastes good and Shane decides it fits the mood better than shots of vodka would.

They get through the wine pretty quick and Shane hums quietly, swaying side to side as he appreciates the buzz it gave him. Ryan takes the empty bottle from his hands and cups his face.

“Hey, baby,” Ryan whispers. His lips are tinted a darker colour, stained from the alcohol.

Shane melts into the warmth of Ryan’s touch. He always does. “Hey,” He whispers back.

Ryan shifts and straddles Shane’s thighs. He tilts Shane’s head up slightly and leans in to connect their lips. Shane’s lips part as soon as he feels the press of Ryan’s tongue. His hands stroke down Ryan’s arms and make their way to rest at his hips, fingers slipping under the fabric of his shirt.

Ryan tilts his head a little further to deepen the kiss and rolls his hips down into Shane. They both moan and Shane shudders when Ryan’s fingers find their way into Shane’s hair, tangling in it and giving it a rough tug. Shane pulls back with a gasp and flushed cheeks, lips shiny with spit and eyes dark with need.

Their clothes are off before Shane can even think about it. Ryan’s hands are rough and warm and inviting. It’s always like that. What’s different is the gentleness that comes as Ryan lays Shane down on the blanket and peppers soft kisses across Shane’s skin. Shane expects to be grabbed, pulled around, bitten – But that isn’t what happens.

Instead Ryan murmurs words of praise into heated skin, touches feather light over fading marks from previous hook ups, kisses him in a way that makes heat pool in Shane’s stomach. It’s different and it’s intoxicating in a way alcohol isn’t, gives him a high that weed couldn’t. He can’t figure out what it is, and he doesn’t really want to.

The sex feels different too. Ryan’s hands don’t grip him as tight and his pace is slower, more careful. Shane feels tears form in his eyes. He doesn’t know why. Shane has to plead through sobs for Ryan to stop worrying about the tears and fuck him faster, which thankfully Ryan does. Shane comes with a moan of Ryan’s name and a whimper. Ryan follows soon after, pressing their lips together in a messy kiss as Ryan moans against his mouth and comes.

Ryan cleans them up the best he can and carefully helps Shane redress himself, buttoning up his shirt with shaking fingers. Ryan’s lips ghost over Shane’s collarbone before buttoning the final few buttons of the shirt. He helps Shane stand up and they pack up their things to put back in the car. They decide not to drive home that night.

Shane curls up in the backseat of the car. Ryan cuddles up close to him. It’s not a comfortable fit, but Shane feels safe and happy.

 _‘Is this how all your hook-ups go?’_ he wants to ask.

He doesn’t.

~~~

Ryan yawns and stretches his arms over his head before rolling over and smiling at Shane, who’s only just waking up. His eyes crack open slightly and he squints at the sudden attack of light.

“’s too early,” Shane mutters.

“I’m surprised you’re still here, big guy,” Ryan smiles. “Want breakfast?”

Shane nods. “’nd a coffee.”

Shane closes his eyes again. He feels the bed beside him shift and hears footsteps leave the room. He figures he fell back to sleep because when he opens his eyes again, Ryan is beside the bed with a tray and a warm smile on his face.

They eat breakfast in near silence. Shane considers leaving after but then Ryan lights up a smaller joint and lays back against the pillows, free arm opening in an invitation for Shane to relax with him.

Why would Shane ever argue with that?

It’s a near perfect morning, Shane decides. Ryan is warm and solid beside him and he watches the smoke swirl above them. It doesn’t look as soft as it did by the lake side under sunset lighting, but there’s something comforting in the way it spins and fades away.

“I think I’m in love with you,” Shane admits quietly.

Ryan’s hand – which up until now had been tracing lazy circles into the side of Shane’s ribs – stops moving. Ryan exhales the smoke from his mouth and stubs out the joint in the ashtray on the nightstand. Shane feels his stomach twist into knots at the silence.

“I don’t think you do,” Ryan finally says. He doesn’t sound mad, or disgusted, or uncomfortable. His tone is hard for Shane to read. It’s too neutral. Shane feels the knot tighten and his heart speed up.

“Why not?”

Ryan stays quiet for another few minutes as if he’s considering his answer. He sighs softly and returns to tracing patterns on Shane’s skin. Shane melts into the touch and relaxes against Ryan’s side again. “I think…” Ryan says carefully, “I think that you love how you feel when you’re with me.”

“Isn’t that how it works?” Shane asks. “Being around someone who makes you happy? That’s love, isn’t it.”

Ryan smiles but something in his eyes feels empty. “You’re not happy because you’re around me. We hang out when we need to deal with something. We get high, we get drunk, we fuck. I think you love those feelings. You don’t love _me_ , just what I can give you.”

Shane wants to argue but it makes sense. He sighs and rests his head on Ryan’s chest, closing his eyes. But despite what Ryan says, he still believes there’s something more to it.

“Can I take you on a date?” He asks, voice so quiet that he isn’t sure if Ryan heard him. Part of him hopes he didn’t.

“Like the car ride?”

Shane shifts, resting on his elbow and looking down at Ryan. “The car ride but no smoking, no drinks. Just us going wherever you want and having some time together.”

Something flashes on Ryan’s face and for a second Shane sees a smile on his lips. It doesn’t last though and Ryan just sighs. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea, big guy.”

“Because you don’t want to,” Shane pushes, “Or because of something else?”

Ryan looks away and quietly mutters, “I want to.”

Shane smiles and uses one hand to gently bring Ryan’s gaze back to him.

“What do we have to lose, Ry?” He asks. _‘Apart from each other’_ goes unspoken.

Ryan stays silent. His eyes flicker between Shane’s lips and his eyes. He nods after what feels like an eternity.

“Alright, baby. One date,” He says.

He hopes the fondness in his eyes doesn’t show when Shane’s smile widens.

~~~

Shane isn’t sure why he’s so anxious. He’s hung out with Ryan plenty of times before and realistically he knows there’s nothing to be so worried about, but his fingers still tremble when he holds his hands out in front of him. Nothing’s different, he reminds himself.

 _Except for everything_ , his brain helpfully adds.

He jumps when he hears his phone buzz in his pocket. A text.

_‘I’m outside’_

His heart beats harder than he thinks it ever has. Maybe he’ll have a heart attack. He groans and rubs his eyes with the eyes with his palms hard enough he sees stars.

_‘On my way down’_

His legs feel like jelly as he heads towards the elevator. Nothing’s different – Except for the looming confession of love, the not-quite rejection, and the sudden realisation that maybe Ryan was right to say that Shane didn’t love him.

Ryan takes one look at him in the car and Shane can already sense the worry.

“We don’t have to-“

“I want to.”

Ryan pauses and takes a few seconds to watch Shane.

It’s true. Shane does want to do this. He wants to do more with Ryan than drink and smoke and fuck. He wants to wake up in the morning and cook breakfast together. He wants to hold hands and kiss and talk about his day. He wants everything Ryan has to offer, and he wants to give Ryan everything he can.

Ryan must be able to tell because he smiles and leans over to kiss him.

“Let’s go have this date then!”

They go bowling first. It’s a small but clearly loved little place that Shane was excited about. Ryan wasn’t the best at it but after every roll of the ball they’d laugh, and Ryan would lean into Shane’s arms and reach up for a kiss.

The next stop was to see a movie – Some new horror that Shane didn’t pay much attention to, opting to throw popcorn into Ryan’s mouth instead. They came stumbling out of the building giggling and squinting at the change of lights.

Ryan chose the restaurant. It was a stunning place down a side street, tucked away behind some other places. The tables were set with a candle and a flower. It was romantic in a way that reminded Shane of his earlier panic. It seemed silly now as he sat across from Ryan, listening to some story about an unsolved murder case in another town. They debate over different theories and it all feels so _right_.

It’s not until the end of the date that Shane’s smile fades. They’re walking back to Ryan’s car when Shane stops. Ryan turns back to face him.

“Shane?”

Shane tugs Ryan to stand back in front of him. “I don’t want this to end,” He says, soft and cracking slightly.

Ryan’s eyes widen and his face breaks out into a wide grin. “Yeah, me neither.”

They stand silently for a few seconds.

“Wanna head back to my place?” Ryan finally asks.

“I thought we weren’t doing that this time?” Shane jokes.

“I mean to sleep over, idiot,” Ryan rolls his eyes. He tugs Shanes hand and walks towards the car. “Come on, big guy. My bed will feel too empty without you.”

~~~

“I love you,” Shane says the next morning while they’re cooking breakfast together. Ryan almost drops his spatula on the floor.

“No ‘I think’ before this one?” Ryan asks, eyes glued to the frying pan.

“Not this time,” Shane shrugs. He stands behind Ryan and wraps his arms around his waist, chin resting on his shoulder. “I’m definitely sure this time.”

Ryan doesn’t speak while he finishes cooking. Doesn’t say anything when they plate the food or eat it. Shane wonders if he’s ever going to get an answer. He does. It comes after Ryan returns from the kitchen, having put the dishes into the dishwasher. Shane feels that same building worry in his stomach that this is it, this is the rejection.

Instead, Ryan sits on his lap and kisses him.

“I love you too,” Ryan says when he pulls away.

Shane melts.

He always does when it’s Ryan.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm doing a very stupid writing challenge this year, and you guys can help me reach my goal! Here's the Tumblr post explaining what I'm doing:  
> https://foxes-box.tumblr.com/post/616549472066994176/quest-to-420-works
> 
> Please let me know what you think of this one - I'm proud of it and I loved working on it and I just hope that other people like it as much as I do.  
> Uh.  
> Thanks for reading if you made it this far.  
> Stay safe!<3


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